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Millyuns

Money Jokes

Orange Laugh Money

Funny jokes about money.  Giggle away.

Wifey

I had my credit card stolen the other day.  Didn’t bother reportin’ it cuz whoever took it spends less than my wife.

Mom’s whip

Yo momma so broke, she drives a Poor-shh!

Financial fitness

The only exercise I’ve done this month is running outta money.

Big breath

Q: What’s the richest kind of air?

A: Billionaire.

Boycott

Starting today, I refuse to shop at stores whose products I can’t afford.

Good point

Money can’t buy me happiness.  But I’d rather cry in a mansion.

Swipe-happy

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time.

“Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge.

“No, Your Honor,” she said.  “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”

Half-empty wallet

When you must borrow money, borrow from a pessimist.  They won’t expect it back.

Nerds need lovin’ too

Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius.  Here I’ve been using money.

Not fair

Father’s Day is just like Mother’s Day, only you don’t spend as much.

Bargain booze

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.  The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”

The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make ’em doubles.”

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”

The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”

Top two professions

Q: Who makes more money – a drug dealer or a prostitute?

A: A prostitute.  Cuz she can always wash her crack and sell it again.

Kitty

Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money?

A: I’m paw.

Mom’s meal

Yo momma so broke, she’s always talkin’ about the time she almost ate at a restaurant.

Cheapskates

Q: Why do Jewish guys watch porno movies backwards?

A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

The D-word

Q: If marriage is grand, what is divorce?

A: A hundred grand!

Pee yew

Q: How do ya hide money from a hippie?

A: Put it under the soap.

Dad’s worst nightmare

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.

Pay up

I bet you $3,967.13 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.

Sneaky packaging

Up until I bought this bag of chips… I thought the air was free.

Ooh la la

Q: What’s it called when a woman talks dirty to a man?

A: About $3.99 a minute.

Lawyers gon’ lawyer

What’s the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo?  The attorney charges more.

See, you’re loved

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Mom’s crib

Yo momma so poor, she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard shelter.

Best make money book ever

Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”

Student: “My father’s checkbook!”

Girl owns officer

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, “Did Santa get you that?”

“Yes,” replies the little girl.

“Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”

The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”

“Well,” says the little girl, “next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

Success secrets

There are two rules for success:

1) Don’t tell all you know.

Broke people down South

Too poor to paint, too proud to whitewash.

Can’t compound

Men are like bank accounts.  Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

Da Bears

Q: What’s the difference between the Chicago Bears and a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Stinky rich

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes List of richest people in America.  And if I don’t see my name, I go to work.

Not cool

Money talks.  But all mine ever says is, “Later, bro!”

Karma

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.  On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Timepiece

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “Hmm, that sounds like a fair trade.”

G-Unit

Q: Why’d the girl stick two quarters in her ear?

A: To hear 50 Cent.

Greedy government

After hearing a sermon on lies and deceit, a man wrote the IRS: “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax.  Enclosed is a check for $150.  If 
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

Mom’s inbox

Yo momma so poor, she created a new email address just so she could eat the Spam.

Ask any celebrity

Cocaine is God’s way of sayin’ you’re making too much money.

Sittin’ pretty

I have enough money to last me for life… as long as I die by next Thursday.

Shawty

Q: What’d the midget say when I asked him for a dollar?

A: I’m a lil’ short.

Kinky

Q: What’s alimony?

A: The screwing you get from the screwing you got.

Smooth operator

A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.  His father replied, “Ten dollars!  What in the world do you need five dollars for?  I’d be happy to give you a dollar.  Here, have a quarter.”

Mom’s remodeling

Yo momma so poor, a tornado hit her house and did $10,000 worth of improvement.

Political pass

Q: What’s the difference between baseball and politics?

A: In baseball, you’re out if you’re caught stealing.

Big bad banks

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.  Give a man a bank and he’ll rob everyone.

Fringe benefit

Behind every successful man, you’ll find a woman who has nothing to wear.

What next?

If you enjoyed these jokes about money, you’ll probably like these jokes about millionaires too.

About the author: Cory Johnson. Writer. Wears shirts sometimes. Once tipped your grandpa for greeting him at Walmart. Net worth of $11 million. Yes, really. (He’s as shocked as you are.)