Millionaire Jokes

Funny Million Dollar Jokes

Seven figure giggles for you and your millionaire friends.

Hey now

What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?  Money.

Relax, my girlfriend’s half-Mexican

Whaddya call the wealthiest people in Mexico?

The Juan percent.

Bank loan

A fellow walked into a bank in New York City asking for a loan for $4,000 dollars.

“Well, before we lend you the money we are going to need some kind of security,” the bank teller said.

“No problem,” the man responded.  “Here are the keys to my car.  You’ll see it – it’s a black Porsche parked in the back of the parking lot.”

A few weeks later the man returned to pay off his loan.

While he was paying it up, along with the interest of $11 dollars, the manager came over.

“Sir, we are very happy to have your business, but if you don’t mind me asking… after you left we looked into you and found out you’re a millionaire… so why would you need to borrow $4,000 dollars?”

“Well,” the fellow responded, “it’s quite simple: where else can I park my car for three weeks in New York for $11 dollars?”

Poor girl

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling: “Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!”

“Oh, wonderful,” she says.  “Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?”

He replies, “I don’t care, just get the hell out.”

Schoolwork

The teacher said, “Take out a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.'”

Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.

“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked.  “Why don’t you begin?”

“I’m waiting for my secretary,” Joe replied.

That’s cold

Yo mama so poor, when she heard the mouse trap go off, she yelled: “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got meat!”

Karma

A poor minister was having trouble managing his church.

The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn’t work, and the church didn’t have the funds for any repairs.

The minister got a brilliant idea.

He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.

At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.

He said, “I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate.”

They did, and he had the church’s roof fixed that week.

This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again.

Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, “I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate.”

They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.

His third Sunday, he got to thinking, “I haven’t been paid in a long time.  I deserve a little money.”

Then, as he started swinging his watch again, he thought:

“You know what?  I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money.  I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach.”

Only, he got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, his hands started to sweat, causing the watch to slip from his grip.

“Sh*t!” he yelled.

It took him two weeks to air out the church.

Sounds about right

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, thinking to himself, “I love my BMW… I love my BMW.”

Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree.

Miraculously, he survived.

But his car was totaled.

“My BMW!  My BMW!” he sobbed.

Moments later, a lady drove by and cried out, “Sir, sir, you’re bleeding!  And my god, your left arm is gone!”

The lawyer, horrified, screamed: “My Rolex!  My Rolex!”

Marriage

A woman was telling her friend, “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.”

“And what was he before you married him?” her friend asked.

“A billionaire,” she replied.

Arrogance

Two wealthy friends were standing outside of a bank, holding stacks of cash.

“What do poor people talk about?” one asked the other.

“Who cares?” quipped the friend.

Savage

One day a wealthy manager was riding in his limo, when he saw two men in the ditch eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to pull over.

Then rolled down his window and asked one man: “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Well, then, you can come to my house and I’ll feed you,” said the rich manager.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me – over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” said the manager, who then turned to the other man eating grass and said, “You can come as well.”

The second man, in a shaky voice, said: “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me.”

“No problem,” the manager answered.  “Bring them all, as well.”

So they all piled into the limousine and off they went.

After a few moments of awkward silence, one poor fellow turned to the manager and said, “Sir, you are too kind.  Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The manager replied: “Glad to do it.  You’ll really love my place.  The grass is almost three feet high.”

Jerry would not approve

Whaddya call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl together?

The Dallas Cowboys.

Game show

A husband and wife are watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire when the husband winks and says, “Honey, let’s go upstairs.”

The wife says no, so the husband asks again.  Again she says no.

So the husband says, “Is that your final answer?”

The wife says yes.

The husband says, “Well, can I phone a friend?”

Strategy

An enormously wealthy 65 year old man falls in love with a young woman in her 20s and is considering proposing.

“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.

“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”

Entrepreneur

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house.

He called a plumber.

The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous!  I don’t even make that much as a doctor…”

The plumber waited for him to finish his rant, then replied: “Neither did I, when I was a doctor.”

Writers

A visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall.

“It’s a pleasure to see a building named after Ernest Hemingway,” said the visitor.

“Actually,” said the guide, “it’s named after Joshua Hemingway.  No relation.”

“Oh?  Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?” asked the visitor.

“Indeed,” said the guide.  “He wrote a check.”

Get it?

Two shepherds bump into one another at the end of a long day.

“So, how’s it going?” the first one asks the second.

The second one sighed and shook his head, “Not good.  I can’t pay my bills, my health is declining, my kids don’t respect me, and my wife is leaving me.”

The first replied, “Well, don’t lose any sheep over it.”

Corny

Why use Linux?

No Windows, no Gates, no Bill to pay.

About the author: Your mom’s hairdresser’s stepson’s third favorite writer. Net worth: $11 million. Told me to tell you to watch this video.