What’s that? You want to become a millionaire overnight? Well I’ve got great news: it’s possible. Just take your pick from the following nine very easy, very instant, very likely ways to do so. I’m serious. Here goes.
Have really rich parents, grandparents, or a creepy uncle who never had any kids. Kiss their wealthy ass as often as you can. Make sure you’re in the will. If not, step-up ass-kissing until you are. Wait for them to die. Boom. Overnight millionaire.
For women: invest in implants. The bigger the better. Butt and lip injections are extra credit. From here, dress slutty, frequent places where affluent men hang out, and find a sugar daddy to “put a ring on it.” For men: marry a Kardashian. Any of ’em will do. (Yes, Caitlyn counts.) Boom. Overnight millionaire.
Become famous, preferably for being one of the best actors or athletes on the planet. Sign huge contract. Boom. Overnight millionaire.
Buy a winning lottery ticket worth $2 million or more. This way, even after taxes you’ll be a cash millionaire. Do your best to remain anonymous. Or everyone and their auntie will want a handout. Boom. Overnight millionaire.
Head to the nearest casino or find an underground high stakes poker game. Pull your balls out. Place a six figure bet (or play a six figure hand). Pray. Win. Repeat until you can cash-out up seven figures. Boom. Overnight millionaire.
Rob someone or something—like, I dunno, a bank—that keeps a milli on hand. Dodge the po-po. Avoid jail. Boom. Overnight millionaire.
Max out your 401(k) each year. Stick with that soul-sucking job no matter what. Even if you have to day-drink. Repeat for the next 40-ish years. Cross your fingers that compound interest is real. At 59½, assuming you’re alive and the market didn’t take a dive recently, cash out. Boom. Overnight millionaire.
Learn how to invest in real estate with no money down and no risk. Don’t worry that 100,000 people in your 400,000 person city are doing the same thing. Plenty of flips and apartments to go around. Don’t get screwed by tenants or contractors or that damn housing bubble. Do as many deals as it takes. Boom. Overnight millionaire.
Pour blood, sweat, tears, and a few gallons of Grey Goose into building a business that solves a serious problem. When it fails, start over. Be willing to lose everything in the process. Friends, money, sanity, your health, etc. And many years from now, if you’re not bankrupt and homeless, maybe you’ll get acquired. Boom. Overnight millionaire.
Sarcasm aside, nobody ever just wakes up one day—and poof, they’re a millionaire. Even when you hear stories of “overnight success,” it’s always the culmination of years of hard work, lots of patience, and too many failures to count. Even lotto winners buy tickets for years, sometimes decades, before winning big. There’s nothing wrong with wanting it to happen fast, but don’t expect easy or instant wealth.