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Word Porn Quotes

Triple X Sentences

Word porn quotes: arousing language, assuming you have a wit fetish like I do.  If so, grab some Kleenexes, prepare for pleasure.

“I can’t wait till I’m financially able to afford who I really am.”

“I’m a go-getter trapped in a couch potato’s body.”

“You ever nap so hard, you woke up and thought you missed the bus?  Only, it’s Saturday.  And you’re 37.”

“I like to think I’m only mean to people who deserve it.  Like a vigilante b*tch.  A ‘b*tchilante’ if you will.”

“I’m in a good place.  Not emotionally.  Just… at a taco stand.”

“I don’t care how hot it is, I have to sleep with covers on.  I have no time for spirits grabbing me and dragging me off my bed in the middle of the night.”

“There’s someone out there right now, thinkin’: ‘I’ll just get gas in the morning.’  Don’t listen.  That’s the devil talkin’.”

“Sometimes, I surprise myself with the stuff I come up with.  Other times, I try to get outta the car with my seatbelt still on.”

“If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me.”

“I’m at the age where my mind still thinks I’m 28, my sense of humor suggests I’m 13, while my body feels about 85.”

“Millennials be like: ‘Neighbor said hi again.  F*ck this.  I’m definitely moving.'”

“Have you seen my vodka?  Wait.  Found it.  It was in my orange juice all along.”

“Potatoes make French fries, chips, and vodka.  Is it just me or are the other veggies sandbagging?”

“Coffee is a cup of hope in a world full of chaos and Mondays.”

“I’m really like this sweet, down-to-earth, don’t f*ck with me or I’ll f*ck you up, goofy, sensitive, cry baby type of gangsta.”

“Mimosas are dangerous as f*ck.  One minute you’re eating breakfast, the next minute you’re sending ‘you up?’ texts at 2:30 PM.”

“This whiskey tastes like I’m ’bout to tell you how I really feel.”

“Everyone has a hidden talent they don’t know about until the tequila is poured.”

“My mom’s practically a travel agent for guilt trips.”

“Me before showering: ‘I don’t wanna shower.’  Me once in the shower: ‘I live here now.'”

“Day nine without carbs.  I lost hearing in my right eye.”

“I accidentally just inhaled Kool-Aid dust.  So if I come bustin’ through your wall, you’ll know why.”

“White people love saying, ‘Get these away from me,’ after they eat a few chips.”

“If you are what you eat, I certainly don’t remember eating anxiety and lower back pain.”

“A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.”

“There’s nothing quite like sitting naked in a beanbag chair, eating Cheetos.  But I hope they let me back in Walmart.”

“I woke up tired about four years ago, and I’ve never really recovered since.”

“I almost dropped my phone on my soft, carpeted floor, but thank God I have lightning fast reflexes and was able to slap it into the wall instead.”

“I gotta teach my facial expressions how to use their inside voice.”

“I saw a guy at Starbucks today.  No iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.  He just sat there.  Drinking coffee.  Like a psychopath.”

“No officer, I haven’t been drinking.  The little assholes were fighting in the back and I was swatting frantically behind me trying to connect with one.”

“They’re called ‘man hours’ ’cause a woman would finish that sh*t in like 20 minutes.”

“‘Memba when people had diaries and got mad when someone read them?  Now they put everything online and get made when people don’t.”

“My tolerance for booze is much higher than people.”

“The person who invented autocorrect can duck off.”

“I’m not a millionaire yet, but I’m also not addicted to meth.  So there’s that.”

“When I say ‘the other day,’ what I mean is, sometime between yesterday and the day I was born.”

“People giving directions like: ‘Then head south on Arizona Avenue.’  Listen Lewis and Clark, is it by Chipotle or Sonic?”

“Do you A) wait patiently for your food to cool, B) blow on it, or C) just take a bite and hasafashafasas till you can chew it?”

“That awkward moment when you leave Target without buyin’ anything, ‘n’ you’re all, ‘Act natural, you’re innocent,’ but you clench your butthole anyway ‘cuz you’re paranoid that damn buzzer’s gonna go off.”

“Just text me when you’re here.  No need to knock and get the dog involved.”

“I could go for more cocktail sipping and less everything sucking.”

“Get a girl that’s half-hood.  You know, the kind that’ll hold down a nine to five, but smack a b*tch at six.”

“My grocery list: 1) don’t run into anyone you know, and 2) apples.”

“Lord, please give me the coffee to change the things that I can, and wine to tolerate those that I cannot.”

“Getting outta bed would be 10 times easier if there was a Caribbean Ocean and 85 degree weather waiting outside for you.”

“My niece drew a picture of me holding hands with a burrito.  I’ve never felt so understood.”

“One of my biggest faults: when I ask someone their name, I forget to listen for the answer.”

“My goal weight is one chin.”

“I hate that moment when you’re super tired, but just when you go to bed, your body’s like, ‘Just kidding.'”

“To the person who lost a New Balance on the side of the highway: you good?”

“One of my biggest strengths is slipping into my pajamas the second I get home from work.”

“You look like you still ‘it’ from a childhood game of tag.”

“Don’t ever let a recipe tell you how many chocolate chips to use.  You measure that sh*t with your heart.”

“I like my sweat pants more than I like people.”

“I like how my dog will literally eat another dog’s poop, but the minute I try to hide a pill in peanut butter and feed it to him, he turns into Gordon f*cking Ramsay.”

“Am I constantly tired?  Yes.  But am I staying awake when I should be sleeping?  Also yes.”

“There should be an energy drink called 6 AM Toddler.”

“Facts: lookin’ like sh*t increases the chance of you running into someone you know at the store by 95%.”

“Vodka is practically a health drink if you just call it potato juice.”

“‘The f*ckening’ – when your day is going too well and you don’t trust it and some sh*t finally goes down.  ‘Ah, there it is, the f*ckening.'”

Next: motivational quotes.

Cory Johnson: your neighbor’s nephew’s side chick’s third-favorite writer. Believes, to stay woke, one needs a good night’s sleep. Worth $11 million. Calls THIS the #1 way to become a millionaire today.