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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Jerry Standup

Jerry Seinfeld quotes: memorable stuff from comedy king, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.

“You can be passionate about anything.”

“If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.”

“Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society.”

“It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy.  I just enjoy it and love doing it.”

“To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.”

“Being a standup is my mission in life; it’s my passion.  My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.”

“A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness.”

“I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist.”

“I like money, but it’s never been about the money.”

“When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‘Oh, it must be so hard.’  It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it.  If you can do it, it’s really kind of fun and easy.”

“If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage.  I think it’s an incomparable experience.”

“Nobody enjoys the ‘little show about nothing’ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.”

“I like definitive things.”

“Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.”

“I don’t wanna be a pirate!”

“I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which, as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

“I’m in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people’s feelings.”

“Life is truly a ride.  We’re all strapped in and no one can stop it.  When the doctor slaps your behind, he’s ripping your ticket and away you go.  As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you.  But the ride is the thing.  I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair’s messed, you’re out of breath, and you didn’t throw up.”

“When you interrupt, you’ve stopped listening.  People need to be heard.”

“The best revenge is living well.”

“Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.”

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking.  Number two is death.  Death is number two.  Does that sound right?  This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

“You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants?  You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.  I can’t compete in normal society.  I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'”

“Let’s face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night.  The only difference between a date and a job interview is that not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it.”

“The IRS!  They’re like the mafia, they can take anything they want!”

“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.”

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”

“What is this obsession people have with books?  They put them in their houses like they’re trophies.  What do you need it for after you read it?”

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

“And that’s when I realized, when you’re a kid you don’t need a costume, you are superman.”

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.”

“What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.”

“Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun.  You don’t stare at it.  It’s too risky.  Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”

“I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.”

“The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen.  To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes.  Women, on the other hand, are like fire.  They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.”

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet.  If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”

“Somebody just gave me a shower radio.  Thanks a lot.  Do you really want music in the shower?  I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.  I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.  Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

“I chose not to run.”

“I don’t want to hear the specials.  If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.”

“If you’re a surfer, you just want to surf.  You don’t know if anyone’s going to see you, and you don’t really care if they see you.  You just live for that feeling.”

“The Swiss have an interesting army.  Five hundred years without a war.  Pretty impressive.  Also pretty lucky for them.  Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with?  Not much of a weapon there.  Corkscrews.  Bottle openers.  Come on, buddy, let’s go.  You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon.  Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”

“If you go to a bad movie, it’s two hours.  If you’re in a bad movie, it’s two years.”

“You see, that’s the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.”

For more millionaire comedian quotes, here’s Kevin Hart’s, Bill Murray’s, and Dave Chappelle’s.  You’re welcome.

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