The Wolf of Wall Street quotes: lines from Leo DiCaprio, Jonah Hill, Margot Robbie, Matthew McConaughey, and more.
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Jordan Belfort: Let me tell you something. There’s no nobility in poverty. I’ve been a rich man and I’ve been a poor man. And I choose rich every f*cking time.
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Max Belfort: What kind of a hooker takes credit cards?
Donnie Azoff: A rich one!
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Jordan Belfort: I’m not f*cking leaving! The show goes on!
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Jordan Belfort: On a daily basis I consume enough drugs to sedate Manhattan, Long Island, and Queens for a month. I take Quaaludes 10-15 times a day for my “back pain,” Adderall to stay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again, and morphine… well, because it’s awesome.
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Donnie Azoff: I’ll tell you what: I’m never eating at Benihana again. I don’t care whose birthday it is.
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Jordan Belfort: I am not gonna die sober!
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Jordan Belfort: My warriors, who won’t take no for an answer. Who won’t hang up the phone till their client either buys. Or f*cking dies!
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Jordan Belfort: Still, give them to me young, hungry, and stupid. And in no time, I will make them rich.
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Agent Patrick Denham: Let me give you some legal advice: Shut the f*ck up!
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Mark Hanna: It’s his first day on Wall Street, give him some time.
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Jordan Belfort: At least as a rich man when I have to face my problems I show up at the back of a limo wearing a $2,000 suit and a $40,000 gold f*cking watch.
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Donnie Azoff: F*cking smoke crack with me.
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Agent Patrick Denham: If I’m not mistaken, you just tried to bribe a federal officer.
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Jordan Belfort: So you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on your credit card bills? Good, pick up the phone and start dialing! Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Does your girlfriend think you’re a f*cking worthless loser? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich!
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Donnie Azoff: You got my money taped to your tits, honey. Technically, you do work for me.
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Mark Hanna: Okay, first rule of Wall Street: nobody, and I don’t care if you’re Warren Buffett or Jimmy Buffett, nobody knows if a stock’s going up, down, or in f*cking circles… least of all stockbrokers. It’s all a fugazi. You know what a fugazi is?
Jordan Belfort: *Fugayzi*, it’s a fake.
Mark Hanna: *Fugayzi*, fugazi. It’s a whazy. It’s a woozie. It’s fairy dust. It doesn’t exist. It’s never landed. It is no matter. It’s not on the elemental chart. It’s not f*cking real.
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Jordan Belfort: Sell me this pen.
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Mark Hanna: You gotta stay relaxed. Do you jerk off?
Jordan Belfort: Do I jerk off? Yeah.
Mark Hanna: How many times a week?
Jordan Belfort: Like, umm, three or four. Three or four times, maybe five.
Mark Hanna: Gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket. I myself, I jerk off at least twice a day.
Jordan Belfort: Wow.
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Naomi Lapaglia: And you know what else, daddy? Mommy is just sick and tired of wearing panties.
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Jordan Belfort: With this script I’ll teach each and every one of you to be the best.
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Jordan Belfort: Was all this legal? Absolutely not, but we were making more money then we knew what to do with.
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Jordan Belfort: My name is Jordan Belfort. I’m a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The year I turned 26, as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million dollars, which really p*ssed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.
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Jordan Belfort: They’re gonna have to send in the national guard if they wanna take me down.
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Mark Hanna: The name of the game: moving the money from the client’s pocket to your pocket.
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Jordan Belfort: You want a beer, pal?
Donnie Azoff: What are you drinkin’?
Jordan Belfort: I got this non-alcoholic sh*t…
Donnie Azoff: What’s that?
Jordan Belfort: It’s like a non-alcoholic beer. It’s got no… no alcohol.
Donnie Azoff: It’s a beer?
Jordan Belfort: Yeah, with no alcohol.
Donnie Azoff: But, you drink enough and… you drink a lot and it’ll get you f*cked up?
Jordan Belfort: No, there’s no alcohol. That’s the f*ckin’ point.
Donnie Azoff: I’m not a scientist; I don’t know what the f*ck you’re talking about. I can get you beer if you want f*ckin’ beer.
Jordan Belfort: I know, but I don’t drink, remember? I don’t drink anymore?
Donnie Azoff: What, you wanna go inside and blow some lines of baking powder, baking soda? Can’t imagine ever not enjoying getting f*cked up. I love it.
Jordan Belfort: Yeah…
Donnie Azoff: How’s being sober?
Jordan Belfort: It f*ckin’ sucks.
Donnie Azoff: Boring, right?
Jordan Belfort: So boring. I’m gonna kill myself.
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Jordan Belfort: Brad, show them how it’s done. Sell me that pen. Watch. Go on.
Brad: You want me to sell you this f*cking pen?
Jordan Belfort: That’s my boy right there. Can f*cking sell anything.
Brad: Why don’t you do me a favor. Write your name down on that napkin for me.
Jordan Belfort: I don’t have a pen.
Brad: Exactly. Supply and demand, my friend.
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Naomi Lapaglia: Who’s Venice?
Jordan Belfort: Who? Who?
Naomi Lapaglia: Who? Who? What are you, a f*ckin’ owl?
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Jordan Belfort: People say sh*t… I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid sh*t.
Donnie Azoff: Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, but it’s not like what you think.
Jordan Belfort: Is she like, a first cousin?
Donnie Azoff: Her father is the brother of my mom. Like, we grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know, she f*cking grew up hot. And all my friends are trying to f*ck her, you know, and I’m not gonna let one of these assholes f*ck my cousin. So I used the cousin thing, as like, an in with her. I’m not like, gonna let someone else f*ck my cousin, you know? If anyone’s gonna f*ck my cousin, it’s gonna be me. Out of respect.
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Jordan Belfort: [Throwing money at the FBI agents] Fun coupons!
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Jordan Belfort: Oh my God! You had to deal with the golf course people too! What a greek tragedy! Honey, oh my God! You probably had to pay them in cash with your hands! What a f*cking burden, and actually had to do some work besides swiping my f*cking credit card all day? Huh? Cause I can’t keep track of your professions honey! Last month you were a wine connoisseur, and now you’re an aspiring landscape architect, isn’t that right?
Naomi Lapaglia: F*ck you!
Jordan Belfort: Don’t you dare throw that f*cking water on me! Don’t you f*cking dare!
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Donnie Azoff: How much money you make?
Jordan Belfort: $70,000 last month.
Donnie Azoff: Get the f*ck outta here!
Jordan Belfort: Well technically, $72,000 last month.
Donnie Azoff: You show me a pay stub for $72,000, I quit my job right now and work for you.
Donnie Azoff: [Later, on the phone] Hey Paulie, what’s up? No, everything’s fine. Hey listen, I quit!
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Jordan Belfort: The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullsh*t story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.
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Nicholas the Butler: [Naomi walks in on a gay orgy] Oh, hey! Is it Wednesday already?
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Jordan Belfort: See those little black boxes? They’re called telephones. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret about these telephones. They’re not gonna dial themselves. Okay? Without you, they’re just worthless hunks of plastic. Like a loaded M16 without a trained marine to pull the trigger.
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You might also wanna check out these millionaire jokes before ya go.
