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20 Terrible Newspaper Headlines

Thursday Ends

Ya know what?  Good.  I mean, what is Thursday anyway?  Friday’s younger, uglier brother?  (The one with the lisp?)

Obamas Package

In his defense, it was freezing in that room!

Teen Pregnancy Decline

What I wouldn’t give to be twenty-three-teen again.

Alive Before Dead

Okay, my brain just turned to tapioca.

Mississippi Spelling

Up next?  Fixing that inbread problem.  (See what I did there?)

Breathing Good

Really?  Tell me more.

Bank He She

Technically, by today’s standards, this is pretty accurate.  Breasts are just that: a clue, not a guarantee.  Perhaps the gun wasn’t the only thing tucked away.  So this one gets a pass.

Killed But Ran

Cocaine’s a helluva drug!

Flying Bugs

I think Wayne was smokin’ a lil’ Smoochy Poochy when he wrote that one.

Cure Kills

That’s an unfortunate side effect.

Gun Shop

Please: someone grab one of those guns from the shop, and take that headline behind the barn and shoot it.

Nuclear Disaster

My guess?  Lucy was low-key trolling ’cause she really wanted to write about puppies.

Everything Arrest

That’s gonna be a long trial.

Babies To Blame

Also, that extra glass of Apothic Red.

Joint Committee

F*ckin’ Wayne!  (*I thought he got fired.)

Earthquake Shaking

I would only read this if Captain Obvious used twerking photos to illustrate.

Placeholder Headline

Editor: “Scott, we need a headline.”

Scott: “I’m workin’ on it.  Don’t worry, I’ll have it to you before I leave today.”

Morgan Freeman: “But Scott would not submit a headline before he left that day.  Instead, he took a long lunch, ate way too much Del Taco, and spent the last 90 minutes looking up Paul Rudd memes.”

Rapefruit

Official spokesperson: Bill Cosby.

Homeless Survive

Sprinkle poison in the dumpsters?  I’m just spitballin’ here.

Sumo Suit

Can I get the address of that bar?  (*Asking for a friend.)

Related: ads so sexist, you can’t not laugh.

Cory Johnson: your second cousin’s neighbor’s boyfriend’s side chick’s third-favorite writer. Believes, to stay woke, one needs a good night’s sleep. Worth $11 million. Calls THIS the best way to become a millionaire today.